By Mansfield Frazier
This admittedly is one of those columns I almost hit the delete button on; with the plethora of important and grave goings-on in the world, how much do trivialities such as the following really matter? But, obviously I changed my mind and moved forward… no matter how banal or inane the subject matter. So here goes:
Due to my role as an urban vintner… a role I take very seriously, thank you… I’ve been pleased to meet many interesting new people from various walks of life over the last few years, but especially those in the sustainability movement. The majority of them are so thrilled about my project, The Vineyards of Château Hough, that my tombstone probably will simply say, “He grew grapes in the inner-city.”
One of the people I met a few years ago, a leader in the local sustainability movement, has been very supportive of my efforts and we’ve become friends, I suppose you could say. So much so that when I ran into her on the street near City Hall a few months ago and extended my hand, she eschewed a handshake and instead reached out to give me one of those light hugs where people touch cheeks. I responded and recall thinking at the time that our friendship obviously had reached a higher level.
As most gentlemen learn (or should learn) early-on in life, never initiate such friendliness with any woman lest your motives and intentions be misconstrued… which is especially true in this day and age. If they want the coziness of the friendship to move up to the “hug” level, always — and I do mean always — let them be the one to take it there.
I was nonetheless pleased by this turn of events since one of my first encounters with this woman hadn’t been a pleasant one (although not overly unpleasant). She had a position at a governmental agency tasked with putting on an event dealing with sustainability and, when I attended the event, the dearth of people of color on the panel of speakers was evidenced. A number of us were sitting at a table together (and not all of us were black, mind you) and we all eventually noted what we perceived to be a lack of diversity among the speakers. Of course, I was the one who, a few days after the event was over, sent an email to the organizers relating — in the most pleasant terms possible — what we had noticed.
My motive was simple, if indeed not noble: if the urban sustainability movement is to take root and grow (pun intended), everyone from the wider community has to be at the table. Of course, this was not the first event I’ve attended locally where diversity has been given short-shrift, in fact, it still occurs far too often hereabouts.
The response from the woman’s superior was cordial and I was assured that no slight was intended — that in fact a person or two of color who were supposed to present had to cancel at the last minute — and that in the future issues of diversity would be given even stronger consideration. I was completely satisfied with the response and the following year the event certainly had a more diverse panel of speakers.
So, I was pleased the woman and I (despite a somewhat rocky start) had developed a friendship over the ensuing few years, to the point we were now doing the friendly hug when we encountered each other — that is until the last time we met.
This last time, over the weekend, she — who shall forever be unnamed — went back to extending her hand. I shook her hand but couldn’t help but wonder what was now different from our previous two meetings. We hadn’t hit another bump in our relationship… at least not one that I was aware of. Indeed, I’d corresponded amicably with her just a few days prior to seeing her.
Then it hit me: When we had hugged on the previous two meetings it had been on a downtown street and we both were walking alone. This time when I encountered her she was standing with a group of her colleagues at an event in a public space — The Ingenuity Fest. The only conclusion I could come to was that she, a white woman, didn’t want to be seen being quite that friendly with a man more melaninous of hue.
This, as James Baldwin so eloquently stated, is one of the most damnable parts of being black in America: Did this mean what I thought it meant, or was there something else at play… was it just my racial sensitivity antenna too finely tuned? That — to my everlasting embarrassment — certainly has happened more than once in the past, misreading intentions on matter racial. Part and parcel of the black man’s burden I suppose.
But my point is, if she was not going to be comfortable with anything but a handshake in every situation, she should not have ever gone beyond that and initiated a hug in any situation. I’d previously been very comfortable with the handshake and I can guarantee you that will be the only form of greeting we’ll have going forward.
Will I shy away from such greetings from the dozens — if not hundreds — of other white women I know and frequently come into contact with? Of course not. But will it ever be far from my mind in such situations? Again, of course not.
Were my feelings or ego a bit bruised by this encounter? Of course, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it. But the bigger hurt was not for me but for her: I now think less of this woman for being, as we say in the black community, “some-timey”… for being a white “pretend” liberal. But she certainly isn’t the only one in Greater Cleveland — white or black — still stuck in an ugly racial past. While how white women and I greet each other certainly is not in the forefront of my mind (nor has it ever been), I simply don’t want to be stuck back there in the past with them.
As I stated at the beginning of this column, this is probably much ado about nothing… but I damn sure feel better getting my feelings out on this matter and incident. Now we can all go back to worrying about more serious stuff.
From Cool Cleveland correspondent Mansfield B. Frazier mansfieldfATgmail.com. Frazier’s From Behind The Wall: Commentary on Crime, Punishment, Race and the Underclass by a Prison Inmate is available again in hardback. Snag your copy and have it signed by the author by visiting http://www.neighborhoodsolutionsinc.com.
2 Responses to “MANSFIELD: Situational Greetings”
Rick Warren
“The only conclusion I could come to was that she, a white woman, didn’t want to be seen being quite that friendly with a man more melaninous of hue.” Try harder. Here’s some other possibilities. Maybe she was simply more comfortable with a hug in the purely social setting of you meeting alone in the street. Obviously, the Ingenuity Fest is a social event, but the fact that she was with colleagues maybe caused her to act in a more formal manner. I have a few female friends that I see socially when out with friends and also run into while we’re separately with business colleagues. We’ve routinely hugged in the first setting and shake hands in the other. It never even occurred to me that is should happen anyway else. I’m more formal in front of business colleagues. So what? (You might even try looking at it from the perspective of a woman– who traditionally struggles more than a man to be taken seriously by colleagues and might consciously or subconsciously give a more formal greeting to someone with whom she works (it IS is working relationship–you’re not friends) in front of colleagues.)
Or, maybe the woman wasn’t feeling well that day. Maybe sometimes she hugs and sometimes she doesn’t. Maybe something did happen to cause her to cool about your relationship, regardless of your opinion to the contrary. (For example, maybe one of her colleagues pointed you out moments before and told her that you think everyone’s actions are always racially motivated.) Maybe her jealous boyfriend was there. Maybe she just didn’t feel like hugging anybody. Maybe, maybe, maybe… But, of course, none of these things ever crossed your mind, since you omnisciently concluded it must be racially motivated because of differing skin color.
You should have warned this woman during your first meeting that once she gives you a hug as a greeting, she must always greet you with a hug, otherwise she is a “some-timey” white “pretend” liberal.
p.s. It’s convenient that you look for and find racial motivation in this act, but it is this woman in your opinion that is “still stuck in an ugly racial past.” Look in the mirror.
p.p.s. I do admire you for the Vineyards of Château Hough, and I hope it to be a great success for the area.
Mansfield Frazier
Rick,
You’re absolutely right that I’m stuck in that ugly racial past … that was the whole point of the article. But I don’t like it one damn bit. My point (that blacks will understand, but whites won’t) was clearly stated that we’re constantly questioning whites’ motivations, and it’s not fun. But the fact is, blacks did not create the charged racial atmosphere we find the country in, nor can we wish it away.
The purpose of the article was to sensitize folks (yes, mainly white folks, I guess) to matters racial.
I know that some folks think we black just love to sit around and come up with these issues simply because we have nothing better to do, but that’s simply not the case.
With that said, you’re more than welcome to come over to the vineyard on Oct. 26 at 4 pm for our Harvest Festival, we’re planning to have a great time.